“She let herself go.” She’s really aged.” “She got ugly.”  I hate these expressions which are most often associated with women getting older. After all, I’ve never heard, “He’s really let himself go,” or “He got ugly,” regarding an aging man. It is a hurtful judgement of women based upon appearance.

With few exceptions, most women struggle with acceptance of their appearance from puberty, if not earlier.  When I was a teenager, I thought I was ugly.  This was mainly because I compared myself to Farrah Fawcett, Playboy bunnies, and Barbie Dolls. Not to mention the fact that my neighbor across the street looked like a super model, and my same-aged cousin was tall and blonde with big boobs.  When I was with either of them, I faded into the background. Now, looking back, I see that I was quite cute, but certainly didn’t realize it at the time.

When I went to college, I remember in the dining hall, fraternity brothers would rate girls from 1 to 10 when they walked by.  I never bothered to listen to how I rate.  My boyfriend at the time told me, however, that I was probably about a seven. I wised up and dumped him.  I had this big fear growing up that if I got married, my husband would leave me for a younger woman when I reached menopause.  Maybe I watched too much Phil Donahue, but then again, look at our presidential candidate, Donald Trump.  It happens a lot.

One of the smartest decisions I’ve ever met was marrying my husband.  Our relationship is much deeper than looks, but he always lets me know how attracted he is to me. We plan to grow old together, God willing. He thinks of women in terms of their abilities and how they treat people, and his validation will, hopefully, prevent my daughters from carrying the same baggage I have.  But I consider him to be the exception to the rule.

Weight and appearance have always been a battle for me.  I had to diet and exercise in my teens unlike my gorgeous neighbor and cousin.  During my three pregnancies, I had to watch my weight and continued to exercise.  Breastfeeding kept weight on for a while, but it was eventually lost when my babies were weaned. It was not without great effort, though.

Now, the biggest challenge I have ever had regarding appearance is menopause.  I know that I am blessed to have lived this long in good health.  The challenge for me is to love myself as I grow wrinkles, graying hair, and a bigger belly.  Menopausal hormones (or lack of them) is no joke.  You can fight them as easily as you can fight the hormones of puberty.  Many women experience unjustified weight gain in the middle–hence the term “muffin top.”  It doesn’t help when people judge and dismiss you because you are old. In society’s eyes, I am depreciating in value.  Youth and good looks are what’s important.

What helps me the most is my faith.  I have heard it said that, “As our bodies get older, our spirits should become more beautiful.”  We should continue to grow as people and help others.  What our bodies look like when we die won’t matter.  What matters is what we have done with our life, and if we have loved each other. In heaven, everyone will be beautiful.  So, maybe instead of saying, “She let herself go,” it would be better to say, “She finally let go.”