“He had an infectious laugh.”  “Her smile lit up the room.” “He was always thinking of others.” “She would do anything for you.” “He was the life of the party with his great sense of humor.” These are sentiments we’ve all heard at a funeral or read in an obituary. Sincere tributes to the person who passed away.  But I’ve often wondered…what about me?  What will people say about me when I’m gone?

Being a true introvert, I am far from the life of the party.  Rather, I am more likely to seek out the corner of the room and have a one-on-one conversation with someone else who is uncomfortable.  Better yet, if there is a dog or cat present, it becomes my buddy for the night.

While I have a sense of humor, it is not always appropriate or appreciated, and I’m not good at telling jokes. My smile does not light up the room.  I know this because, much to my annoyance, I have been told to “smile” more times than I can count.  Often, I must appear more upset than I actually am due to the amount of times people ask me, “What’s wrong?” or tell me to, “Cheer up!”   Excuse me,  I am just fine. I am simply pondering the mysteries of the universe, and it is none of your business, anyway.  Besides, this idea that women have to smile all the time is so sexist.  I mean, how many times have I seen a man with a scowl or serious expression on his face?  No one demands him to smile.

“She would do anything for you” is also not an apt description of me.  While I do try to be kind and merciful and generous, it doesn’t come naturally. I’m afraid I must admit that I am sometimes self-absorbed, and I’ve been known to complain if someone messes with my routine.  Ultimately, I usually do the right thing, but it doesn’t come easily.  I envy and am in awe of people who are so naturally kind, generous, and loving.

A quote from C.S. Lewis in “Mere Christianity” gives me comfort:

“…But if you are a poor creature…nagged day in and day out by an inferiority complex that makes you snap at your best friends–do not despair. He knows all about it. You are one of the poor whom He blessed. He knows what a wretched machine you are trying to drive…”

I see my temperament as one of those “wretched machines.” I am not by nature a joyful Christian.  Trying to be Christ-like, for me, requires effort.  I know people who are by nature more loving  and Christ-like than me who have  not professed a relationship with God. Lewis explains this by going on further to say that having a “nice” temperament  is God’s gift to us, not our gift to God. In other words, friendly, charming people are sometimes just born that way, it is not through any great effort of their own. Regardless, we are all expected to use and grow our God-given gifts wisely no matter what temperament we have been given.

Finally, I am reminded of a quote that I heard from a priest on  retreat.  He said,

“Every prophet is a pain in the a**, but not every pain in the a** is a prophet.”

We all know some of those non-prophet types.

But as I’ve grown older, I hesitate to speak my mind less and less–especially in church related matters.  While I choose to practice my faith in the Catholic Church, I am not what you would describe as a good, obedient Catholic.  I have even confronted priests at times when I thought their behavior was not fitting of their position. My spiritual directors have all, for the most part, encouraged me.  One of them warned me that if I ticked off a certain priest, he could remove me from my ministries. It was a risk that I was willing to take. (He didn’t by the way).

And remember John the Baptist? Do you think he had a smile that lit up the room?  Does he strike you as someone who would do anything for anyone?  I can’t imagine him with an “infectious laugh.”  Since he was beheaded by King Herod, we know that not everyone liked him.  He was concerned for others, I’ll give him that…baptizing everyone, including Jesus, in the Jordan River…and Jesus loved him!

My point is this, you don’t have to be liked by everyone.  You just need to do God’s will for your life with the machine He has given you.  I don’t want to take away from all the lovely, kind, smiling, and generous people who have left this world empty and mourning their loss.  I just want to suggest that it might not be such a bad thing to be remembered as a “pain in the a**.”

Lewis, C. S. (1952). Mere Christianity. New York: MacMillan Pub.

For Valentines Day, I would like to share a little bit about when I met my husband, Shawn.

Newly graduated from college, I took a contract job at a local chemical company picking seeds out of apples for research. Strange job, you may say, but it was the only job available for someone with a biology degree and no experience.  It was there that I met Shawn, one of the biologists. When I first saw him, I thought he was extremely good-looking, so I stereotyped him immediately.  I figured he probably had a blond girlfriend with big boobs, belonged in a fraternity, and had a list of the women he’s slept with.  He later told me that he stereotyped me, too.

When we finally started talking to each other, I was amazed at the man I discovered him to be.  So much so, that at first, I thought he was being really smooth, telling me all the right things that a girl wants to hear.  He was too good to be true!  For example, one day in the break room, I asked him who he found to be attractive on TV.  Now, this was back in the “80s”, so I expected him to say Barbi Benton, Farrah Fawcett, Lonni Anderson, Heather Locklear, or some other buxom beauty.  Instead, he paused and thought about it for awhile.  He said he didn’t really watch that much TV, but the other night he did watch “Yentl” on PBS and thought Barbara Streisand did a really good job!  I thought, ‘Is he for real?’  Not only did he NOT pick a popular sex symbol, he actually was considering what she had accomplished.  Wow, I might be onto a gem, here.

Before Shawn and I met, I was pursued by an engineering major on campus.  One day, this young man and I were browsing in a news stand, and he picked up the “Sports Illustrated” swim suit issue.  The truth was, I wasn’t really interested in this young man and tried to dissuade him from his pursuit. I said to him something like, “I could never be with someone who is into Playboy and other forms of pornography.” He put down the magazine, immediately.  Later, he said to me, “I’ll have you know that I gave away all of my Playboy magazines!”  I said, “Great.” A few weeks later, when I finally gave in and started dating him, I found a stack of Playboys in his closet.  When confronted, he said he had given them to his roommate.  Why lie?

Okay, people might think that I am a prude and maybe I am. But, actually, I find it really tiring when, as a woman, you are always judged by your appearance.  I mean, if a woman discovers the cure for cancer, there will still be people noticing if she is fat or looking old.  If someone wants to “look at” Playboy magazines, I don’t care.  To each his own.  But I didn’t want to live in that world.  Honestly, I would rather live my life alone devoted to a career than live in that world. I worried about getting married and having my husband dumping me for someone younger at 40 or after menopause.  In that world, you see it all the time.  Those magazines (along with TV media) make me feel bad about how I look and like a failure for growing old.

So, once I determined that Shawn was the gem that I thought he was, we got engaged pretty quickly.   As our relationship progressed, Shawn took me home to meet his parents.  While there, he showed me his old bedroom and pulled out boxes of magazines that were under his bed.  When I looked at them, I laughed with glee.  The boxes were full of “Fruit Grower”, “Vegetable Grower”, and “Dirt Bike Rider” magazines.  I smiled and thought to myself, ‘This, I can definitely live with.’

Today, when I am dismayed at the signs of age that my body shows, Shawn still tells me how attractive I am to him.  When I warn him that I am going to start looking worse, he says, “When I got married, I expected to grow old with my wife.”  He truly is a gem, and I’ve been blessed to be with him for over 27 years, now.  We have created our own little world.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Shawn, my love and best friend!!

It’s not what you’re thinking….

One of my goals in life is to complete my novel.  In my novel, there are characters who use guns.  Beings that I have never handled a gun, myself, I thought I ought to do some research so that I could get the details right. Besides that , I knew Shawn would love to go shooting.  So, for Christmas, I signed both of us up for a basic handgun safety course. We were taught using a Ruger 22 pistol.  For me it was fun, scary, and exciting at the same time.  For Shawn, well, he was in his glory.  We learned about gun safety and that there are four basic rules:

1. Assume all firearms are loaded.
2. Only aim at what you want to shoot.
3. Do not put your finger on the trigger until you are ready to shoot.
4. Know what it is behind your target.

When we were ready to shoot, I informed the instructor, who kinda reminded me of Lotso Bear in Toy Story 3–except for the being evil part, that I wouldn’t be a natural. He was very patient and supportive. The first time I shot the gun was a shock because the sound and the kickback is something that you have to get used to.  You can see from my bull’s eye that I started out pretty bad, but got closer and closer to the center with practice. By the time I had finished, all my shots were in the bull’s eye. Shawn, however, was a natural. All his shots hit the bull’s eye. The instructor was extremely impressed with his shot and even moved the target back so that he would be more challenged.  I believe Shawn has discovered a new talent and hobby.  If we were ever in a situation where we needed to use a hand gun, I definitely would let him do the shooting!

We didn’t buy a hand gun. I’m still uncomfortable with the idea of having a hand gun in the house, especially with kids.   Like the instructor said, the best gun for home defense is a shot gun, and we already have one of those. But, now, I will be able to write my story more accurately with the knowledge of what a gun feels like, and how to load one, aim one, and shoot one.

At the risk of ruffling some feathers, I am going to write about stages of faith.  First, a little disclaimer, I have read James Fowler’s “Stages of Faith” a few times.  I found it difficult to read, and I probably only understand about 85% of it.  I have also read M. Scott Peck’s chapter about stages of faith in “Further Along on the Road Less Traveled.” I get most of my understanding from these two sources along with my own observations.

Why talk about stages of faith?  Because knowing these stages is helpful in understanding why people of the same religion behave in different ways. It is also important to realize that the term, “faith”, does not apply to one particular religion.  All people have a spirituality, whether they realize it or not.  Likewise, all people are somewhere along the stage of faith continuum.

It is not quite accurate to think of stages vertically, like climbing a ladder. Rather, as one progresses in faith, the movement is horizontal in the sense that the circle of people who you find important becomes bigger and bigger. There is also movement back and forth between stages, progression and regression.  According to Fowler, there are six stages of faith. For the most part, everyone who is not mentally impaired passes through the first two stages with no problem.   While a few people remain in stage two, I will skip over these. The vast majority of people, I believe, end up and stay in stage three.

What is stage three?  Fowler calls it “Synthetic-Conventional” faith. What does this mean?  My purpose is not to judge or criticize but explain. As an example, I’ll talk about my church, the Catholic Church.  There are many “cradle Catholics” in this stage.  It is a faith that has been passed down, accepted, but not examined. People can live their whole lives very fully and contently at this stage.  They get meaning out of belonging to a group and often think in black and white terms.  They like following “the rules” and can be indignant when they see people disobey.  Sometimes, they can appear to be superstitious. There can be an “us” and “them” mentality in this stage.  This is not just true of Christians.  Muslims, Jews, Hindus and all religions have people at various stages of faith.  And, you don’t even have to be religious to be in this stage of faith.  You can get the same sense of meaning by belonging to the military or any other organized group.

Some people at this stage, however, start thinking outside their religious box and start questioning their faith. They ask themselves, “Do I really believe this?” Or, they realize that they don’t know what they believe. This is a GOOD thing.  They have moved on to Stage Four, the questioning stage, which often doesn’t look religious.  That is why you will find highly moral people in the scientific community who are atheists, for example. Many Catholic parents lament the fact that their children have left the faith.  They shouldn’t worry. Their child may actually have moved onto a higher stage.  All that Catholic schooling was not for naught.

Now, what happens when someone at the questioning stage of four discovers the truth for themselves?  That all this nonsense about God might actually be true? They often return to God and their religion at a much deeper level.  This is stage five.  If this happens, it is not usually until the second half of life. People at this stage see that truth can come from many different sources. They are much more inclusive and embrace everyone.  They see the flaws in their religion but realize that no religion is perfect.  They are usually easy to be around and emanate joy. They don’t take the bible literally and are more about the “spirit of the law” rather than the “rule of the law.” They see things in shades of gray rather than black and white.

The last stage, stage six, is extremely rare. Fowler gives Mother Teresa, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King as examples.  It is a willingness to embrace everyone at every level. These people are willing to be spent or die for their faith. They place importance on people who others may find insignificant. They are subversive.  I believe Pope Francis is an example of someone at stage six.  He is amazing to watch and extremely inspiring. But, I should also point out that just because someone holds a high position in the Church, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are at a high stage of faith.  There are priests and bishops at lower stages of faith just as there are lay people and vowed religious brothers and sisters at higher stages.  It’s not about degrees in theology or how much you know.  It is how you derive meaning and act in your life. The idea is for everyone to continue to grow…

Fowler, James W. Stages of Faith: The Psychology of Human Development and the Quest for Meaning. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1981. Print.

Peck, M. Scott. Further along the Road Less Traveled: The Unending Journey toward Spiritual Growth: The Edited Lectures. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993. Print.

Growing up, I wasn’t baptized and didn’t go to church.  Therefore, I had a lot of questions and misconceptions about God.  When I attended college, I majored in biology, and had a scientific mind-set.  “Show me the proof,” is a favorite phrase of non-believers in the science community, and this included me.

In college, I remember having feelings of despair.  I planned to be a doctor because I didn’t see the point of relationships or the meaning of life.   A mentor once told me, “All relationships end, one way or another.”  This seemed so cruel and unfair to me.  I mean, why get married, have children and have loved ones when we all just die in the end, anyway?  Why get close to anyone? I figured the best way to be happy in life was to accomplish professional success and help people at the same time.  Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I was missing the big picture. What my mentor said was only partially correct.  What she should have said was, “All relationships ON EARTH end, one way or another.”

I had a college roommate at that time, who was a born-again Christian. She was religious in a way that turned me off.  I expressed my thoughts to her, and she said, “Lisa, just pray for God to reveal himself to you.”  What did I have to lose?  So, I did…And He did.

Long story short, God entered my life with a bang.  Events occurred that could not be just coincidental.  Now, let me make it clear, it doesn’t stay that way when you are in it for the long haul.  But, I couldn’t believe how wrong I was.  For the first time, I understood what the fuss was about. Now, I believe in the Good News:  We can live forever with God and our loved ones for all eternity.

Also, around that time, I met Shawn, who was a Christian in a way that I’ve never seen expressed.  He was moral and deep, but no wimp.  He challenged me, “Have you ever actually read the Gospels?”  No, I hadn’t. The Gospels are the best kept secret of Christianity.  I don’t know how anyone can read the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John in the New Testament without utterly falling in love with Jesus.  If you haven’t read them, then you don’t know Christ.

I couldn’t understand why I kept trying to be perfect and good, but despite my efforts, kept failing.  I identified with Paul, who said, “For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.” Romans 7:19. What I didn’t understand was that I was trying to be like God.  I was trying to be Christ-like.

During this time, I also read a lot of C.S. Lewis.   Mere Christianity, The Great Divorce, and The Screwtape Letters–a few times each.  I discovered that if you like mystery, God is rich and full of it.  Try contemplating eternity, the trinity, original sin, the incarnation, evil, resurrection, transubstantiation, to name a few.  In my arrogance, I used to think that religious people were dependent and simple-minded.  To the contrary, people at the higher stages of faith are some of the most inspiring, intellectual, and fascinating people of whom I’ve ever met. Being in the presence of holiness is one of the most profound experiences I’ve ever had.

“What, therefore, God has joined together, let no man (or woman) separate.” Mark 10:9

Let me start out by acknowledging with deep gratitude how fortunate and blessed I am in my marriage .  Shawn is easy to love.  He is optimistic, giving, generous, thoughtful and kind.  When we met, I wasn’t looking to get married.  But, after only a couple of weeks together, a thought took me by surprise: ‘This is someone who I could actually marry.’ No one else I ever dated prompted that thought.

We both were immediately physically attracted to each other, and the conversations came naturally.  I trusted him right away.  He always called or showed up when he said he would, and we wanted to spend all of our free time together. We felt comfortable in the silence, and we knew pretty quickly that we would get married.  I don’t even remember him officially proposing.

When I met him, I had a boyfriend.  That relationship was not easy, and once I knew I wanted to be with Shawn, I broke up with the boyfriend.  I never cheated on my boyfriend.  I told him that I wanted to see other people.  Well, actually, one other person, Shawn. Shawn and I did not get romantic until after my break-up.  I feel good about keeping it honest. Having been married to Shawn, now, for 27 years, I feel even more blessed.  It has been a great ride, and I hope and pray for many more years together.

Having said all of that, marriage isn’t easy.  Even when you have a strong relationship, and I believe Shawn and I do, marriage can be difficult.  All married people must deal with issues such as communication, housework, finances, boredom, different interests, in-laws, just to name a few.  If you have kids, the challenges multiply exponentially.  Being human, we might find ourselves wandering down the wrong path–a path that could be destructive to our marriage.  No one is immune to this, including me. Fortunately, I have been able to make corrections before I got totally lost. I feel sorrow and compassion for those who couldn’t.

While we all know that married people must keep the focus on each other to keep the marriage sacred, and that the ultimate responsibility belongs to the spouse who has made the vows, it is also the responsibility of those surrounding the couple to respect and support the marriage. Unfortunately, too often, this doesn’t occur.

You see it all the time.  A woman attracted to a married man, a man attracted to a married woman.  Somehow, the person outside the marriage convinces themselves that they are better for the married person than that person’s spouse.  It is a blind spot. These pursuers find ways to justify or rationalize their behavior and budding relationship. But they have a responsibility, too.  They have the responsibility to not separate what God has brought together. After all, we are told that we must “… love God with all our heart, all our soul, and all our mind, and love our neighbor as ourselves.” (Matthew 22: 37-39).  Our neighbor includes both members of a married couple.  We must love them both and not engage in any behavior threatening to their marriage. A truly spiritual person will support other people’s marriages and only wish for and contribute to their success.

Here we go again.  Another terrorist attack, this time in Paris.  Unbelievable!  What causes people to be so cruel?

I do believe in evil.  It is a choice.  People can choose to do good, and people can choose to do evil.  I’m not talking about the people who cause harm out of weakness or by mistake. I’m talking about people who deliberately cause the suffering of other human beings.  Jesus, God’s only begotten son, experienced suffering and death from evil performed by human hands.  He also overcame it. Of course, this is little comfort in the midst of the present moment.  The pain is too intense.  We ask why?  I don’t know why evil must exist, but I know that Jesus was not exempt from the experience.

When I think of the injustice and horror of this tragedy, what helps me to cope is that I believe in an ultimate justice.  You see, our lives in our earthly bodies are very short, even if we live to be one hundred years old.  Contrast that with eternity, a concept that we cannot even grasp.  I studied near death experiences and many people say that when you die, you experience what you create.  Not only what you create, but the ripple effect of what you create. For example, let’s say you are the type of person who lights up the room when you walk in.  When you die, you will get to experience that perception of you. You will experience the love you create.  If you are kind to someone, and they in turn spread that kindness, you will get to see and experience the good you have done.

Likewise, if you choose evil, you will experience what you create, including that same ripple effect.  If you decide to torture and murder someone, not only will you experience the hateful acts that you committed, you will also experience the pain and suffering caused to the friends, relatives, and even the general public that your action caused.  Imagine the amount of suffering you will experience if you are a mass killer!  It is possible to be forgiven, but a sincere change of heart is necessary, and it would be a very painful cleansing. Another description for this process is purgation. In other words, purgatory.  Facing the evil that one has committed in the light of God’s absolute goodness could be so painful that one might decide to remain in hell.

That’s the way I look at it, anyway.  I don’t know if it’s accurate, but it makes me feel better.

Jesus is so bad ass!  What courage, what confidence!  He is no wimp.  I am in love with him again.  Try to picture this scene.  Can you imagine Jesus speaking in anger to the Pharisees with one hand on hip, the other pointing in Herod’s direction, “[You], go and tell that  #@&*?…”  Well, Jesus wouldn’t use an expletive, like I implied.  Instead, he used the word ‘fox’ to accurately describe King Herod because a fox is cunning and sly, a predator, a killer.

In the passage of Luke’s Gospel 13:31-35, the Pharisees warn Jesus to leave Jerusalem because Herod wants to kill him.  This warning is insincere because they, along with Herod, would like to see Jesus’ mission fail.  Jesus knows this, he is no fool.  He has a message of his own for Herod and goes on to say, “Behold, I cast out demons and I perform healings today and tomorrow, and on the third day I accomplish my purpose.”  Jesus will not be thwarted in his mission, even though he knows it will lead to his suffering and death

Jesus further goes on with his insult and says, “…it is impossible that a prophet should die outside of Jerusalem,” referring to the prophets before him who were killed in Jerusalem.  After all this, Jesus then becomes tender and laments over Jerusalem.  He cries out in anguish, “…how many times have I yearned to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you were unwilling!  Behold, your house will be abandoned.  But, I tell you, you will not see me until you say, ‘Blessed is he comes in the name of the Lord.'”

I am totally in love!

Havasu Falls was a bust!  We didn’t make it because we kept getting confused on the dirt road of  Rte. 347.  There were many forks in the road with no directions, and the GPS kept losing us on the map.  We read the signs–that is, the spiritual ones– and made the decision to spend the next three days at the South Rim, instead.  No regrets!  The Grand Canyon is awe-inspiring!  It must be experienced, because one can never capture it in pictures. We had a blast hiking the Rim Trail and the Bright Angel’s Trail, taking in this wonder of the world.

So, it seems that my Lyme’s disease has subsided, hopefully, for good. I had no major problems, and we hiked every day for nine days except one.  I still have some pain in the arch of my right foot and am now using arch supports in my shoes. (Thanks again to the advice of my knowledgeable physical therapist).  I didn’t have any problems with the sun, but I did use a 55 SPF sunscreen, a garish yellow sun-protective jacket, and a floppy hat.  Only time will tell it the disease is really gone.  I’ll just have to wait and see if I get any “flare-ups.

Well, I’ve been on doxycycline for a little over a week, now, and I appear to be getting better!! Yay!  I could actually kneel in church this past Sunday, whereas I couldn’t the week before.  In addition to that, I jogged 2.5 miles and worked-out on the treadmill without my knees swelling or my hip getting stiff. I still can’t completely crouch without my knees hurting, but hopefully, when I finish the medication, I will mend completely.

The big question is this: Should I still plan to hike 10 miles to Havasu Falls in Arizona two weeks from now?

I planned this trip for Shawn and me this past winter.  Now, that our children are old enough to be left alone and are independent, Shawn and I are taking the time to do some more traveling that we couldn’t do when they were younger.  This is a big deal because I actually planned for us to hike 10 miles down into a canyon to see Havasu Falls and camp in a sleeping bag in a tent overnight!  This is something we haven’t done since we were engaged.  I’m not fond of camping, it is a lot of work.  But this trip is on my bucket list, and I want to do it before I get too old.  We had also planned to hike back the 10 miles the next day, but I think we will skip that and opt to take a helicopter back to the trail head, instead.  There are only three ways that you can reach Havasu falls: helicopter, mule, or hike.

Another concern is hiking in the Arizona sunlight.  Doxycycline has a side effect of causing extreme sun-sensitivity.  Therefore, I have purchased a UV protective wide brim hat and a UV protective light jacket.  Of course, I will also use a sunscreen with a high SPF, but I might also consider wearing pants.  It depends on how hot it is.  We’ll see.

Eight miles into the hike, down in the canyon, there is a little Indian village called Supai and a campground nearby. Instead of carrying a tent and sleeping bags, we are renting them and having them sent to the Supai post office.  After eating a big dinner at the Supai cafe, we will camp over night and then send back the camping equipment the next day. This will keep our backpacks light.

This trip is on my bucket list.  I’m looking forward to the crystal blue-green waterfalls against the red canyon backdrop, the camping experience for “old time’s sake,” the viewing of a multitude of stars in the Arizona sky, and the opportunity to spend some quality time alone with my husband.  Hope my joints cooperate!